Cut the Crap, Nothing's Perfect!

There are some citizens of North Korea that believe their Dear Leader doesn't have an asshole. That's right, they believe he's a God. Gods don't eat leftover sushi that's been in the fridge one day too long and spend the next seven hours on the porcelain throne begging for mercy.

But...... I do.

And so you do. 

The "Dear Leader" of North Korea, Kim Jong-un. Yes, he sh$#s!

So many of us only portray to the outside world what we WANT to look like. What we want everyone to see. We Facebook  and Instagram about our super cool awesome lives.

Our big move to Texas. Our engagement to the perfect person. Our new baby. Our 20 lbs weightloss. We look damn near like we're living the dream to all our adoring "fans" that scroll by our content. We hope secretly, in some twisted way, that someone will be jealous of us and the awesomeness that spills from our carefully presented personalities. And they are. Just like YOU get a twinge of envy when you see the supposedly perfect lives of those around you.

But here's what you don't know. That girl that moved to Texas can't find a good job and misses her family more than she thought she would. That perfect couple had a big fight the other night and sometimes they can't freaking stand each other. That new baby kept mom up all night and while shes happy, shes tired and sometimes she misses her old life and just wants to go for drinks with friends. That girl that lost 20 lbs was only eating a few crackers and coffee for three months to get there. You see where I'm going.

It's all lies and exaggerations. All these people you thought were so awesome, struggle too.

I'm guilty of that in part myself. I've been doing great, no seriously great (not lying!) with my business. As I approach a year of doing this on my own, I really can't ask for a lot more. It's been a crazy ride of learning and figuring out what the hell I'm doing!

But waittttt isn't one of my other passions fitness? Didn't I used to pick up heavy shit and put it down and compete on a stage wearing about 18 square inches of glittered blinged out fabric? Yeah. That was indeed me.

Anyone that knows me knows that with me, its 110% or its 0%. There IS no moderate, no in between.

Right now my kitchen's a mess. I think maybe, there's a new species breeding in the sink. I've stepped over my pants from Monday on the floor about 3040 times. That's the kitchen floor. I don't know how they got there. (Get your mind out of the gutter!) That's my 0%.

And then, there was fitness. For the last two years, I've ran hill sprints until I fell over and lifted weights for nearly 3 hours a day 6 days a week. Ran up the stair master until I looked like I'd just been dragged through a swamp for an hour. I starved and ignored it and stuffed a family sized bag of spinach into my face to fill the space where chocolate ice cream should have gone once and a while.

And I loved it. I loved pushing unbelievably hard and doing what most people would have given up on a long long ago. Competing in what is arguably the hardest sport in the world, propelled me to quit my job and start a business and push like hell for THAT too. Don't want to go sell yourself to strangers? Think of it like cardio! Put the blinders on and just go do it. Don't think. Do. You will finish. There is no other way. That was my mentality and still is when I want something.

But unfortunately unlike in business, the body has a point of diminishing returns on the work and time invested into it. After I stepped off that stage it slowly hit me. I was so sick of being hungry. I was sick of eating spinach. I was sick of being cold. I was sick of my hair thinning and having wacked out hormones. I was sick of being tired all the time. I was just sick.

That in no way should discourage anyone else from getting in shape or even competing as healthfully as they can, by the way. I'll say it again, I was EXTREME. I dieted for two years with no break. If someone was walking for cardio I had to run. If someone was lean I had to get leaner. If someone was lifting a lot I had to lift more, for longer duration. I had to do everything the hard way just to say that I could.

My 110% effort was suddenly bringing me down. I had no choice but to finally eat more and to lay off my insane workouts. I worked out like a normal person. I did a little easy cardio. I ate a lot of food. And my veins and cuts disappeared and the scale approached ghastly numbers.

I hated it. I knew I needed it but after being the Mayor of Shredsville for two years, I had  to get on the bus to Normalville and move away. I packed my bags ( most of which was packed into my ass, thank goodness!) and became a "normal fit girl".

It's freaking weird. As far as fitness right now I'm a moderate and balanced normal girl. I lift. I eat ice cream. I feel freaking great. But I'm not this shredded up little freak right now. And I would be lying if I said I don't miss it. It was different. It got compliments.  And yes, It got me business.

Business is one thing where I don't think it will hurt me to give my 110%. And I will continue to do just that. Ain't no one else going to get to the top of this game for me. That too, is really freaking scary and hard. And sometimes, yeah I cry over it. I'm human, just like you.

The point of this little tale is just that. Everyone has this highlight reel that they display, be it over social media, or in person when they talk about their lives. When things don't go perfectly, we don't often share. I've all but stopped posting to my fitness Instagram admittedly, because why? Shall I go "Oh here is me "undoing" all my hard work and failing! Look at this!" I just don't think anyone would find that very mentally inspiring, coming from a purely fitness standpoint.

Still I have nothing to hide about anything that I struggle with. Anything you see me do was certainly backed by struggle and tears and difficulty. Don't ever let those things make you feel like you shouldn't keep going when you have a goal.

Don't ever say "oh but so-and-so built an empire overnight while frolicking through daisies, so why the hell can't I?" No, so-and-so failed and cried and lost and messed up and sucked at life some days.

You just didn't see it because Instagram had them on the beach in Hawaii sipping a mixed drink. In reality, their mom paid for the trip because they were broke and not pictured is the boyfriend that dumped them a week before.

So yeah, I suck. Man I really, really suck. I'm totally lost at what to do sometimes in my business, I didn't even know how to eat enough food for two years, I yell at my fiancee over stupid things and I never fold laundry. Ever.  But I'm not going to let those things stop me from going for what I want 100%. And failing harder. Anything worth going for is going to be riddled with failure. There isn't a way around that. None. So may as well keep on screwing up.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see what leftovers I can find in the fridge. I wish I could report that nothing ever makes me sick from in there, but unfortunately, last week, something did. I don't seem to be missing an exit like the leader of North Korea. Guess that means, I am only human, and I may indeed be visiting the porcelain throne later. How's that for today's highlight reel!

Self Employment = Sweatpants? Yup.....That Almost Happened

Why is it, that when people blog, they always seem to drop off the face of the earth after a time?

Most people just get bored of it maybe, or cant find the time. The time part was I suppose, some of the reason I had stopped. It didn't seem the best use of my time to be writing, when I SHOULD be out looking for work, and doing the work I did have. But maybe, its not a waste of time, because people are reading and connecting. If I want to run a business, connecting matters.

You're nosy. You want to know what other people are doing. You secretly want to know how you stack up compared. You want to look at someone else's life and be like "Damn, well that sucks, I feel better about MYself." Or, "Damn, that person is doing so much while I'm sitting here watching reruns of 90's sitcoms eating Chubby Hubby out of the pint."

Because you're nosy, you read. Because you read, you remember me and you learn what I do, who I am, and you feel like you know me.

Maybe somewhere in my life, in the chaos of everything that I do, and that you do, we have something in common. I'm sure of it. But until you get to know me, I'm just another face on the street, another car in traffic that didn't pull out fast enough, another person to wait behind in line at the supermarket. I am nothing. You are nothing. And we both forget that we are all human and all trying for something in this life.

Well.....that was deep, but anyways, I suppose another reason I did not blog for a while was, that I wasn't always some shining star of perfection going forward in starting my biz, and I didn't want anyone to know. Cliche, right? But honest.

Shortly after my last entry in July, I hit my first realization that......all my income now relies on me. It was a normal morning, and I was paying my credit card bill online, like I always do every month. And suddenly something clicked when I looked in one of my bank accounts and it was down, and that particular account had nothing coming into it.......

Now you might be like well, yeah, duh, you stopped working a normal job! That account was the one I had always put that money from my part time job into, and I have another for my biz income. So naturally, the cash would stop flowing into that account.

But that morning...it just.....hit. HARD. My stomach rose into my throat and I couldn't even breathe for a second. There was nothing coming into that account. It would deplete to nothing. My thoughts raged in a catastrophic direction. "What if I never get another customer? What if I use ALL of my savings? 75% of my money is invested and I can't touch it. I'm almost out of peanut butter, I don't deserve to buy another jar!  WHAT IF I HAVE TO LIVE ON THE STREETS?! "

With that, in a zombie like state, I remember walking outside in my pajamas mind you, and sitting on the back stoop and just crying. This was IT. I'd made a huge mistake.

I remember calling my dad next, pretending I had a question about my computer or something, but all I really wanted was for him to tell me what to do. He's always my rock for stuff like that. I don't listen to many people. I always listen to him.

He told me what I already knew. First off, take the emotions out of it or you'll just drown in them. Are you going to run a business or a soap opera? Second off, this IS SUPPOSED TO BE HARD. You cannot, CANNOT sit around and wait for it to come to you because it never ever will. You always think you'll be different, and special, and awesome, but hey guess what..... you're NOT.

Nobody cares. Work harder.

With that I put on real pants. Yup. Itchy, restrictive pants with a real zip up fly. I went out and around to local businesses and met with people. Was it uncomfortable? Sure. Did it work? Immediately, no of course not. But its building a network that WILL work in the future. Its knowing people. It's getting in their heads.

You're not getting into anyone's head by laying in your penguin print pajamas in  your backyard in July. But you might cause your neighbors to consider calling an institution for you.....

It was July, but that didn't keep these penguins indoors!

I still find for me, fitness is a huge salvation, mentally as well as physically. The two are so similar. Everyday I eat and train and I look no different immediately after. But look back five years and its TOTALLY different. Those tiny efforts everyday add up. If I didn't make those efforts, that would add up too. And I'd get nowhere.

It's the same thing in business. If I do nothing, I will surely get no where. But if I do a million little things, even when I don't want to and I'm sure its a waste, I have no choice but to move forward.

And I have. My bank accounts haven't emptied. I've scored some pretty sweet projects and some steady projects too. I am NO WHERE NEAR where I want to be, but this is only my sixth month of doing this. And there IS no end to what you can do when you want something. It will NEVER be enough, ever. You can always work harder.

So, I am back. I had a rough patch over the summer where I questioned my entire existence, pretty much. You're probably laughing because you knew it would come. But I did too! I knew some points would be utter crap. And I accepted that. Life will always get better, and worse again, and better again.

I'm not perfect! I didn't wake up and find success. Most mornings I wake up and find my hair in a knot and an undying need to pee, just like everyone else.

As I sit here, ironically, in my penguin pajamas (hey at least its Saturday, and its actually cold OK?), I'm going to tell you, being a graphic designer working for myself is hands down THE hardest thing I've ever done.

But there's no way I'm going to give up on it that easily. I'm lucky enough for the circumstances to even let me follow my magical unicorn path. Damn freaking lucky. You might not be that lucky. But that doesn't mean you cant start somewhere, try something, however small.

The biggest risk is the one not taken. You're gonna have horrible, crappy, awful no good days where you swear your alone and an idiot and this is ridiculous. And you're going to have stellar, amazing days where you are positive you are the most awesome successful person and your life freakin rocks.

Neither will last. Id rather fly way high and crash way low than live a string of mediocre days. However you live your days, it is 100% certain you only get to live them once.

Make it count.

You Can Give a Panda Wings, But You Can't Make Him Fly

Remember when you were a little kid, and any time past 8 PM was some kind of magical, forbidden hour you weren't allowed to ever see? What went on at that time, while you were shackled to your race car toddler bed, curtains closed even though the sun was still up on a July night, and told you had to go to sleep?

Sometimes, you might dare crack open the door, you could hear the TV, maybe your mom was knitting yet another scarfsweaterblanket, and you older sister was doing brain busting math problems, calculating how many grapefruits Sally would have if she multiplied her current supply times five, added "x" and ate the rest. A stomachache and diarrhea. That's what Sally would have.

You would run past the scene to "go to the bathroom" and investigate this magical land of the night. There didn't SEEM to be anything special. No flying pandas, no glitter and fireworks in the kitchen. WHY were you never allowed to see this time then?! "GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM AND GO TO SLEEP" your parents would soon shout, having caught on to your plans. You'd sulk back to bed, and swear you couldn't wait to be old so you could just stay up all night!!

Anybody seen this guy?

Well, eventually that time came, and you went from going to sleep at 7PM to waking up then. You realized there WERE indeed flying pandas and glitter and fireworks in the wee hours of the night, and they could often be found at the bottom of a bottle of Jack. There was no "bedtime" anymore.  As a matter of fact, your parents would call you a lazy ass and scream every weekend at you to get OUT of bed during daylight hours. It was awesome....for a while.

Then you got like, a j-o-b. They wanted you to start at the ungodly hour of 8 AM. Suddenly, staying up till 8:30 AM all summer left exactly....negative 30 minutes of sleep every night. Wasn't going to work..... So  you started to go to sleep earlier. First 1 AM, then midnight, then 11, then one night in your mid twenties when you found yourself in between the sheets, alone, in your sweatpants at 8:42 PM it hit you....you grew up. You were going to sleep at this time without your parents yelling at you. You got up at 6 AM because YOU WANTED TO. No one had to tell you to. You had lived and learned. And only then, were you able to realize the serious value of a proper sleep schedule. No one could have told you at four years old that there was nothing special about the night. No one could have told you at 16 that it was worth getting up before noon. You had to make this discovery and conclusion on  your own. (Some people are still working on it ;) )

The point there is, as I was thinking this week, I realized, you just cant make anyone do anything that they don't want to do, and do it well. Its so simple, yet we continue to try. We offer incentives. Most of them monetary. If you get up and mop this nasty floor or analyze these numbers for 8 hrs today, I will give you the money to get those new kicks you've been wanting, or pay your rent! That motivates us to do what we just don't want to. We slog through. We collect $200. We pass go. We circle the board again. 

I see the same in the fitness world. You tell people they have to do this, this and this to get in shape. Time and time again they "slip up". Ooops, I just HAD to eat that cake, my mom was in town, and I just love sugar! You were too sore to do your cardio, so you didn't. You had a stomachache so you couldn't lift at all this week. Your dog had to go out so you couldn't leave home. I've heard all those and more as to why people cant do something. It's to a point now where, when I offer fitness advice, I go in expecting you NOT to listen. Most people simply do not. If you do, you have blown my socks off. I realize you WANT this. YOU and only YOU want this. I didn't make you want it. You made that choice somewhere inside you, that you wanted to hit that goal. That goal became more important than any piece of cake, it propelled you through being sore, it helped you find a way to let the dog out AND make your lifts.

The same goes in this career path I've chosen. My dad told me for the longest time it was a great idea and I would love it. But I resisted. I wanted to do what everyone else was doing and just work a normal job and go to work picnics and wear a skirt. I did that. I had to learn the hard way, that it wasn't what I thought. I then started my business, not because he wanted me to, but eventually it was ME that wanted to. I wasn't happy, and I had to reach my OWN breaking point to change.

Funny thing is, a lot of people seem to have a much higher bullshit tolerance than others. Most people seem to figure "this is the way it is" about everything, from the state of their fitness, their job, their life. They shut off and tamp down their desires to do anything else long, long after they want to. They resist other people telling them what they could do to improve their situation and get mad when its suggested. They don't want it bad enough, they think its too hard.

But whats harder, secretly wasting  your life slogging away, a slave to money, to other peoples expectations, to your own idea of what it "should" be? Or is it harder to put in the work necessary to make a change? BOTH are hard. Pick your poison.  It was hard doing a job I hated. It's also really really hard doing a job I love, for entirely different reasons. The path isn't laid out for me, I'm not just grinding my days out. I'm instead fueled by a new kind of grind. its a much lighter feeling. Its electric almost instead of dead and flat. I'm out there pushing but the rewards when they come are that much sweeter, despite the failures being that much scarier. Its what keeps me doing this. Id rather work doing new things for this, than ever be stuck in a passionless position. If I ever do return to working elsewhere, it will be because I needed/wanted to to attain a goal, be that pay the rent, or a change of some sort. Ill dance in a lobster suit if you'll notice my biz and become my customer as a result. I'll do math and keep spreadsheets and calendars. I'll be late for the gym to make a delivery. I'll call people I don't know whereas when I was a kid I wouldn't call ANYONE and I hated the phone. It all changes when there's a PURPOSE!

Same thing with fitness (as usual, there are so many parallels!) It hurts to do cardio sometimes yeah. Lifting is hard, sometimes I want to eat ALL the chocolate and peanut butter and I'm HUNGRY. I choose not to eat cake because my family is in town. I instead choose to hang out with my family and enjoy their company. I do this every single day, because I WANT TO KNOW that I did everything I could to get as far as I could. The only person that loses if I "slip up" is ME. Why do that to myself, aren't my goals worth more?

Put you first. YOU only get one life here. Get fired up about something. If you've told your inner voice to shut up for so long, let it speak instead. Find the motivation to do the things you have always wanted in yourself because if you don't find it, YOU WILL NEVER, EVER DO THEM. If you're waiting for someone to make you, you ll be waiting a long time. You need to want it for you. I can't tell you to do something and make you do it. Your mom cant make you. Your friends cant make you. You need to live out the experiences to get you where you are and LISTEN to them. Don't tamp them down and continue to be mediocre. You need to get to the point where you've had enough and then you need to make the change rather than ignore the signs as so many do. YOU need to stop making excuses for yourself. Only you can do that. Otherwise, you may as well sit around at 2 AM looking for flying pandas in the dark to take you to the perfect life in a cloud of glitter and highly advanced pyrotechnics. Well hey, let me know if you see any! That'd be pretty cool....

Why A Lack of Patience, Just Ain't Gonna Cut the Mustard!

You know what? With most things,  I am NOT what you might call,  a patient person. I hate waiting. I don't like standing in lines. I hate stop lights. (Don't even get me started on the stop lights in the town where I live, we could have an entire blog on that...) I go nuts when I want to eat (that's basically always), and I'm trying to open a new bottle or jar and there is one of those stupid plastic unbreakable seals and once you slice that bastard off there's another stupid seal under the lid. "Sealed for Your Protection," they always boast. Look, I'm at the point where I'd rather risk contracting incurable venereal diseases than fight with this stupid plastic. Therefore I'd rather you protected me just a TAD less, and let me have some damn mustard, or the one that's going to need protection is YOU, French's.

NIGHTMARES

I lose my cool over packages that take 304959 years to deliver. What, is this thing coming from Mars, or New Jersey?  I, like many people in today's society, want what I want and I want it now. But at the same token, I've noticed I'm able to shut my impatience off for a couple of things in my life. I realized just how important that ability IS, and how it really can help a person achieve long term goals. Impatience, like so many things we deal with is just an emotion. Control that, and you will have a much easier time finding success in all areas of your life. Trouble is, most people don't seem to know how! It can be learned though, by changing how you think about your big goals.

Most people who read this probably know, I am an NPC Bikini Competitor, and I had a competition this past weekend. I took second in that competition, and I made so much improvement over last year where I took dead last in this same show. More important than that, was that I was absolutely floored by the amount of texts, messages, and well wishes and congratulations that I got on that competition. I have never really been motivating to anyone that I was aware of, and to have so many people tell me that, literally blew me away! So humbled and grateful! So I wanted to thank everyone for that, as a side note! Fitness however, is one example of something in my life, where impatience is NOT a factor for me. Building a killer physique is NOT going to ever be a fast process. IT TAKES YEARS. You all see how I look on that stage and yeah, that's great, but you must know, it has taken me upwards of FIVE YEARS to even get this far!!

I still remember my 19th birthday, it was also Father's Day, so the entire family went for a hike to the Heublein Tower in Farmington CT. It's basically straight uphill to the top for a good 20-30 minutes. I. Was. DYING. I was wheezing and sweating and it was just miserable. My mom said "I worry about you, you NEVER get any exercise!" She was right. Ever since I'd started dating my other half, we had sunken into a happy place of french fries and ice cream dates and nights on the sofa. For the first time in my life that summer, I was putting on some pudge. And I knew it. I remember I vowed on that day to do SOMETHING, no matter how little, to get some exercise, and stop eating so much crap. That began my love affair with research via the internet. I tried so many things you have no idea. I tried 100% squeaky clean eating and "jogging". God I HATE running. The shin splints killed me. It was so boring. I didn't get any leaner. What abs? I then started lifting weights. Along with the iron, I lifted every piece of food I saw that was "clean" into my mouth, under the excuse that I lifted, I could have it. I gained weight and NOTHING fit. I told myself it was all muscle. I still didn't have any abs. I decided it MUST be carbs that were keeping me from my dream body. I proceeded to stop eating them. I mean STOP. I didn't eat a single piece of fruit, bread, potato or candy for over a YEAR. Ill tell you what I did eat though. JARS of nut butter and cans of mixed nuts. There were barely any carbs so it was ok right? WRONG. I weighed more than ever! All that jogging wasn't even working. So I did more research, and took a totally new approach to everything, and slowly, got it right. I learned a lot of what didn't work the hard way. I don't run anymore. EVER. I HATE IT! I eat carbs. I DON'T eat uncontrolled handfuls of nuts anymore ( hmm probably the giant amount of calories in 309845 handfuls of nuts a day couldddd be why I wasn't getting lean!) The point here is, the end result you see there, took me YEARS. I have YEARS to go on those goals too. If that didn't teach long term goal patience.....I don't think anything can.

The same mindset I had with fitness, is how I am able to start and run and continue to develop my design business. I started design back in MIDDLE SCHOOL. I took my first class in eighth grade and I actually won an award at the end of the year for something I made, I think it was a box for golf balls, hah! That was 13....YES THIRTEEN years ago. I was 13 years old and I'm now 26. I've been working on honing that passion for HALF OF MY LIFE. I went down a long and mistake riddled road on the way to where I am here now, just as I did with fitness. I got caught up in what everyone else was doing in high school, I stopped designing and started Facebooking. My parents encouraged me to pursue design and a business/freelance career, I just wanted to do what everyone else was doing and go to four year college and be a "corporate person" or something, and work in a nice office with nice heels and skirts and my name on some cube. Yes, at one point, I WANTED that. I wanted to do what I thought adulthood meant. And so, I got myself an office job or two and well, you know the rest. You know I hated it. The free spirit kid I'd always been was still in there somewhere and she wanted out.

The point of these stories is, that these are two big, giant areas of my life where patience wins. And I'm OK with that. Here's why: Because the way I look at it is in terms of the big picture. I am NOT going to be an IFBB Pro athlete tomorrow. Or next year, or next week. I am NOT going to be a millionaire with a thriving business either. Not now. But, the biggest thing that keeps me going to bed so happy every night,, is knowing I made a chip in those goals, every single day. Forget being rich, or a pro, or all the glory. The road is so long, you can't see the end. ACCEPT THAT. Forget the end. That's the biggest secret I have to getting somewhere. Forget the end. Everyday just drive another mile down that road. DO NOT STOP. Do not stay inside and sleep. Get in the car and get on that road. So what you didn't make $10203 today. Did you talk to one more person who might give you some work? Did you respond to another few emails from prospects? Did you call someone with their estimate? Yes? Ok then you did not waste this day. You did not. Did you instead sit there and think about the cigarette boat you're going to buy when when General Mills asks you, personally, to redesign their entire line of cereals, while simultaneously watching Friends reruns saying you'll start tomorrow? Then sorry, you wasted that day. You will never succeed. 

So the take away here? Patience is an emotion and YOU have control. Part of that control, is breaking your big aspirations down into actual small goals that you can focus on TODAY. You will not meet that big goal today. Or next year. But you will eventually get there, IF you keep moving in smaller steps. I NEVER thought I'd actually HAVE a full time business, or step on a physique stage. Then one day it happened. There's still so much to do, but its progress. You can't ask for more. Stop asking yourself for more than little steps. Let that expectation go. Sleep at night with your big goal still un-achieved (!) But, DO SOMETHING even if its TINY. Let that be enough for today. Repeat tomorrow, and the next day and the next. Like dirty socks, you just add a couple to the pile a day and before you know it, its rolling out of the hamper and you can't even contain it anymore! Of course no ones ultimate life goal is doing laundry (again) but, LITTLE THINGS ADD UP OVER TIME!!

I still hate those damn plastic food seals. But, if I just calm down and remove the label in a human manner instead of that of a rabid chipmunk, I would probably still hit my goal of mustard covered bliss, with a lot less trouble. Pshhh who are we kidding, can't always be patient.....time to eat........!

"I Think There's Been a Mistake..." "Did You Say STEAK?!?" "No, MIStake!"

You know what I could go for right this second? A burger. Like one of those big juicy ones, totally still mooing on the inside, grill charred on the outside. On top, Id like mushrooms and onions, but not raw onions, because I'll burp those up until July 4th. I'd also like some cheese. Cheddar. Lots of serious ketchup. And mustard. No bun, and a pickle.

FOODPORN!!!

Ok ok, I'm totally dreaming of what I will have after I walk the stage this weekend to compete in my first NPC Bikini show this season. If you know me (or if ya don't) you know I have been preparing for this thing for basically a year, when I did terrible in my last show, for many reasons. I could have chosen to run and hide and never give it another shot, but dammit I just love to lift weights too much and if so many other people could get into stage shape, why not me? I decided this time, I would do it my way, or no way. I'm not one for following direction. Never was. For me, its never enough to have just listened to someone and done something, I need to know the WHY and the HOW. If someone tells me what to do with no reasoning behind it, I struggle to even bother to DO it!! Plus, I've learned I need to say I did something MYSELF, or it's a nearly worthless accomplishment in my mind. That's my independent streak talking I suppose. Anyhow,  I decided I would learn this getting shredded things for myself, and if I looked decent come show season, I'd give it a go.

I ended up turning out an OK product over the past year, so this weekend that's just what I'm going to do. I've had some great help and support along the way, those people know who they are. But ultimately, this is me and me alone. My project, my product, my work.

Now, I don't believe in turning away good advice and help, and hearing it and processing it alone can teach you so very much. Listen to what people who have been in your shoes before you say, and then do what you will with it, but always LISTEN!!! It's all part of your path, and even bad or wrong advice, can show you what is RIGHT when you may not have seen it before.

Fitness, is so much like business. I may elaborate on that in another post some time. But, even Sir Richard Branson, who started over 400 companies under Virgin Group, said the secret to success? "Work out."

Why? I think, because it requires a certain mentality. The external after all, is a manifestation of the internal. Yeah, your grey matter. Your brain. Its more powerful than your physical being. So if you can grasp the mentality it takes to create an elite physique (or even a better than average one, which isn't a crazy aspiration in America) what the $*#& else can you do?!?!

I'm not here now to tell you entirely how to get into that mindset. Some of it is probably personality type. I'm a little OCD about details, but I am THE LEAST organized person ever. Do you want to see my kitchen right now? No, no you don't. (Sorry mom and dad!!) But, when I design, I measure to the millimeter to center things. I count my diet like one extra mushroom will result in needing to ride one of those scooters around the Wal-Mart. I pay disgustingly close attention to artistic detail. But I can't see how dirty the shower is. Probably a little bit sick in the head. :P

At any rate, the point here today is, no matter what goal you are pursuing, you're chicken shit scared and you probably aren't going for it as much as you could be. What are you scared of most? Mistakes. Messing up. More importantly, public mistakes. Because you care what people think. Look back at old posts where I already told you that.

Last year on that stage, I kinda looked terrible. I did two shows last year, but I only really ever talk about one. Because the second one, I was dead last. I was unprepared. My diet was a mess and I was hardly following one anymore. My hair was barely done. I looked unkempt and brought a half assed package to that stage. I messed up. It was public. Everyone saw. It was my fault for not taking control of my situation and being responsible for myself that day.

I see the same in business. Recently, I made a mistake there too. I messed up. I missed an error. I had 1000 of something printed up and they were all incorrect. It happened. It's going to happen. Because despite my detail orientation, I am human. I make mistakes. I miss things. And when it happens, it will be public. People will see. People will hear. Sometimes, in other unfortunate cases recently, things blow up and mistakes even make the news.

At first, I was disturbed. I didn't want a bad reputation, I was honestly questioning my own abilities, and wondering if I even DESERVED to work with anyone else if I was just going to disappoint them or make more mistakes. You can always be more careful. But you have to realize there's ALWAYS a risk of mistakes. ALWAYS ALWAYS. Why the hell would I let that risk set me back, TAKE RISKS or you simply cannot progress.

Then I thought about that physique show. Yeah I publicly messed up. But NO ONE REMEMBERS. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps after that blunder and I didn't quit. I found another way. I kept doing it because I love it. And I ignored the failure of last time. I blocked it out. I moved on. This weekend a lot of people, probably you if you are reading this and you know me, are going to be watching me to see how I do in this show. You've maybe been watching me work on my self project for a while now. And I may totally lose and bomb out again. Might make a mistake. Might fail. And hundreds of people will see. But I'm not scared of that because no matter the outcome, I know that journey was worth it, not for the end result but for the other 364 days I worked to get there. And there will be 364 more to follow, because I love to train and I'm not doing this to prove anything to anyone.

People ask how I get up there and I'm not nervous. Because why should I be? It's nothing in the end. Its 30 seconds. It's 30 seconds out of millions of seconds of my life, for a purely physical sport. There will be years of shows ahead of me if I so choose to participate in them.

And in my business, there will be years ahead to progress in that, as well. I will certainly make more mistakes. 100% freakin guaranteed. But I can't let that fear hold me back from showing you and everyone else exactly what I'm capable of and how I can help you. Handle mistakes with honor. Don't ignore them or run from them, but instead apologize, face them, fix them, work around them, and most importantly, learn from them! They, like all those people who offer advice, are the best teachers on your path. Everything and everyone you encounter brings you where you need to go. Let it. Risk it. Don't fear opinions. Fail and fail publicly. Let everyone see you do it. Hell, give them binoculars. What of it? You'll still wake up tomorrow and you'll still find happiness in the things you love. Let that fear of MISTAKES go and instead, strive to make as many damn mistakes as it takes to learn enough to be very successful. The only mistake you should stop making, is inaction. That one is the ultimate blunder that simply cannot be overcome. So get off your asses now and go screw something up with enthusiasm!

On the upside, this writing took just long enough, that its almost dinner time! No burger or steak yet, (or chocolate, I realllllly want some fudge covered peanut butter, or peanut butter covered fudge) but
I do get some pretty tasty eats. Somewhere, someone gets none tonight. Somewhere, some cow is settling in for his last evening before becoming my post show refeed. Ok, that was a little depressing. Sorry! Keep the vibes positive people! Until next time!

If you want to risk an awesome encounter for you next design or tshirt project, check me out at www.tamaramorrisongraphics.com . Mistakes not guaranteed ;)

I Love Peanut Butter, and I'm a Little Selfish. You Should Be Too.

Are you ever sitting there, doing something totally nonchalant like clipping your toenails, or maybe something magnificent, like watching the sunset in Maui, and you realize, suddenly, that you will NEVER know what it would be like to experience this life as anyone else? Never. I mean this point of view you have, right here, right now, reading this, is something no one else will ever know.

It's scary really if you sit there and ponder it. There are billions of us, yet no two experiences on this planet are ever the same and YOU ONLY GET ONE.

I have a scar on my right knee from when I was trying to "surf" by standing on a pool tube NEXT to the pool. Of course, I fell off and diced my knee open. My grandpa was supposed to be watching me, but he had fallen asleep. (A normal occurrence for him!) Every time I look at that scar I remember him. I have calluses from weightlifting that remind me how much I love it every time I look at my hands. I love reggae music and peanut butter and chicken with cinnamon and mustard on it. My daddy is still my biggest supporter. Some people have never met their fathers. And I will never have to know what that's like.

Is this how they make Peanut Butter?!

I will also never know what it's like to be a child that was abused, or to come from a huge family. And you won't know what it's like to still get bothered by the smell of burning brakes and metal on the highway. Or maybe, you will, but not because you were going 70mph on January 10, 2010 when you got struck from behind and spun around three times into a bridge, walking away from your destroyed car with only a broken nail. Maybe you'll have a similar story. But it won't be exactly the same. The story of your life can never, from start to finish, be the same as my story.

Only one person is there with you, from the moment you're born till the moment you die. Only one person knows what scares you, what you love, what hurts, what you really think, all your scars, what it looks like when you ate some bad pigs-in-a-blanket, and you have your body rebelling from both ends...at once. Not pretty. Not pretty. That person is you. You live and die with you, my friend. You know what else lives and dies with you? Everything you do in your little slice of time and space here. There seems to be a few reasons I see, that people think they shouldn't fully ulilize that finite slice. But it's time to knock those to the curb and write some plot twists into your story. Here's why you might be reluctant...

1) You think people are going to remember  - People love you. They do, I promise. SOMEONE (several someones!) is deeply effected by your presence. But we all think people care far more about us and our stories than they do. And it holds us back. You don't want to be seen in high school wearing hand me downs because the other kids will laugh. You don't want to go to the gym because people are going to recoil in disgust at your back fat. You don't want to start a business because you might fail and people might see. People might say you suck. People might see you fall on your ass if you get up on stage and try to walk in heels and a bikini, like I'm about to in a week. Yup, should that happen, they'll see. They'll laugh. It will suck. And in ten years, no one will remember including me. But YOU WILL always remember that thing you wanted to do but never did because of the things you thought people might say and think. People are going to think and say things about you anyways. If you do nothing, they'll say your a lazy recluse.  Remember, you live and die with you and you alone. When you're 80, sitting on some nursing home porch with drool down to your armpits, most of them won't be there. You will though.

2) You're afraid of being selfish - "Selfish" is painted as this horrible concept in our society. Its widely agreed that its bad to be seen as selfish. To care about ones self. But if you don't even care about yourself, who the heck else is going to? I think, acting selfish, and BEING selfish are two different things. Acting selfish, would be that trait we all don't like. Being mean and arrogant, unwilling to help people who need you, putting everyone else last, having no consideration for other people's feelings or situations. But BEING selfish, could simply be taking care of YOU and taking the time to work on the one person you have complete control of. Invest in you. You have nothing to give to anyone else if you're so busy ignoring your own thoughts and aspirations because you feel guilty chasing your purpose for being here. By doing your thing, you inspire other people. Be it your children, your friends, and strangers you've never even met. And that is the very definition of UNselfish.Giving isn't always giving time, or money, or THINGS to a charity on a poster. It could be giving positive vibes.

3) You get too attached to important people in your life - We all have that friend. The one who you think would probably jump headfirst off a bridge if their significant other ever left them. They claim to be "so in love". They don't do things if the other person doesn't like them. They do things BECAUSE the other person tells them to. They don't really do much without the other person. But who are THEY? What do THEY give to this thing called existence?  I have been with the same person for 8 years. We like some of the same things of course. But we like a lot of different things. I'm a fitness competitor. He works out, but he has no desire to go as hard as me for that goal. I use that same mentality to run my business. He prefers being part of a team/company. He plays softball and loves it. I don't even know which way to run. (I'm NOT exaggerating) I can't swim in the ocean. Hate it. He's a fish out there. He races cars. Cars are shiny and pretty to me, but I have the same interest in racing as he does in counting grams of carbs. Yet we mesh nicely. He doesn't tell me I can't go to the gym. I don't tell him to stop racing. At the same token, he tells me if I'm being a crazy bitch. I tell him if he's being a dumb ass. If we ever split, I will be lost. I love him. But I will still be Tamara Lynn Morrison, artist and designer. I will still have that. I've had that since I was born. I will still love fitness. I will get up at 7AM everyday and do those things. I will live for them as I do now. We choose other people to walk our paths with us. But we should never choose to cling to them and let them drag us by the neck. Never make anyone else your everything. Because when/if they leave, you will have nothing. You will be nothing. At the end no one can die for you. You will breathe your last breath with your own two lungs. Why live for your life for someone else??

Find your own passions. Be a little yes, SELFISH and put those dreams first. Then give the happiness those passions give you to other people who deserve to be in your life. UNselfish, see? This life is yours and yours alone. You only get one story, write the book so that when it closes and gets filed away on the shelf of humanity, it deserves a big freaking spot. And please, at any party where they are serving pigs-in-a-blanket, steer clear. Not.....pretty.

Motivated to start living out some dreams that require a designer? ;) You know where to find me www.tamaramorrisongraphics.com

Hanging up the Real Pants.....Big Changes for TMGraphics!!

So one day, perusing quotes online (because I'm seriously the type of weirdo that does that...no seriously!) I came across some quote by this man, Paulo Coelho, and ever since then, I've been kind of obsessed. I'm pretty sure every thought this guy has is genius. And no, I haven't read any of his books yet, its bad but I only read books once a year....on long flights. Better get booking one then, right?

Anyways, Tamara Morrison Graphics is now my full time job. As of last week. As in I don't work for anybody else right now, and I am going to do whatever I gotta do to keep it that way. And reading enough quotes by this guy, reassures me that I'm NOT entirely crazy.

Sometimes I still wonder if I'm crazy. You might too. You probably work somewhere, in a building, with set hours and fluorescent lights and rules about cellphone use and what time is appropriate to call your doctor and schedule your yearly colonoscopy. And you probably need to wear pants. Dammit, now that's the hardest part right there.

Now this isn't some fluffy dream story about following your passion and quitting your damn corporate job to knit blankets out of alpaca wool in the desert while riding on the backs of pink unicorns while money flies of out their asses and into your bank account. AIN'T GON HAPPEN. Sorry.

I've been planning to be a designer since.....well since forever. I went to school for it. My dad has been telling me I'd someday have my own design business since I was 16. I thought that was absurd. Who would want to sit at home all day with no friends and no shiny desk and no pants. What kind of life was THAT going to be??? So I insisted I get an office job, so that I might become important. I stopped designing. I didn't even open Illustrator or Photoshop for a couple years. Because I was super important. I pulled staples, and scanned files, and picked up phones with a fake cheery voice. But for someone who was and always will be creative, it got intolerable. Fast. I realized it would not, and could not go beyond this for me. I didn't go to school for anything fancy. I wasn't going to go applying for $50000 a year jobs and getting them.....or if I did...liking them. Same office, bigger nameplate. It wasn't for me.

Somewhere in there, I DID start my design business, but it was small and rough going, when you miss every client call because....well cellphone use is monitored. Email is blocked. You can't meet anyone because you're wasting away on Facebook mobile sneakily in the corner, heart racing every time the bosses go by. So step one happened. I left. I left what most people would consider "stable". It wasn't a lot of money, but it was THERE unless the corporate headquarters burned, every week. No matter if I sat on Facebook or invented a machine that regenerated brain tissue. Same amount. Always.

I left for a shakier bridge, but a bridge nonetheless. It had less hours, and more flexibility. And Tamara Morrison Graphics grew. I should say, it STARTED. With more time, and the bulk of it being during the day, I could call people, meet people, email people!! The difference was very clear. And for a while, it worked. Dream life by day, drone by night. Then the night got well, darker. Usual dramatics ensued that always occur in a place where people work daily for money and not much else. Rules tightened, for reasons which I could not logically see. At the same time, there was nothing to do. I perused Facebook and Instagram and watched the clock mercilessly. I snuck in client emails. I got caught. I snuck in client phone calls......andddd parking lot meetings. I didn't get caught. But I felt like a drug dealer at a couple of those sneak meetings!

Now I believe strongly, that life and guts show us the way long before logic does. Most people don't listen. Most people accept things, or create the opposite of what would get them the life they desire, whether its by choice or subconsciously.

One lovely day I realized, my current employment situation was NOT going to work, for reasons we don't need to get into. But I knew I had to jump ship.... before it sunk. So I saw another ship floating past and I jumped. That ship looked rickety at best, but I ignored that. Even though I knew that one too, would sink. I got another mediocre job.

This one proved to be an even greater lie and inconvenience. The hours were nothing like what I was told they would be, and would have put me back at square one ( below it actually, less money!), with no time to meet clients, take calls, or emails. I had a client meeting that following day for an awesome opportunity....that I would have to cancel. AGAIN. For a near minimum wage (yup that low) job. Because they couldn't tell me my hours until mere moments before I had to work them, via text message, despite asking countless times. So that was it. Every fiber in my body calmly told me to just let it go. Leave, go be a freaking graphic designer. Equally mediocre jobs will always be there if needed. Go to that meeting. Get that job.Win that client. I was dying to put my entire self into making this happen. So I typed an email to the captain of that rickety ship saying I would not be in the next day. My best friend of 8 years and biggest supporter Kevin hit send FOR me when I hesitated. It was a done deal. I was living my dream starting 6 AM tomorrow. I went to my meeting, and I got my client.

It has been not even two weeks. I've never worked so hard in my life. I don't look at the clock. I don't go on Facebook. I don't need to. I am 100% fully absorbed in what I am doing. I think its called passion, and hustle.

I saved a lot of money in the six years I spent at home working full time in an office. I don't have kids. I have the best living partner and family in the world. I am SO LUCKY. I know everyone doesn't have the same opportunities. Believe me, I know. And I know this isn't going to be easy. I am scared. I am nervous. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.

But if you want something, you will do whatever it takes and you won't think twice. You won't complain. I work weekends now. I work nights. Both of which I hated with passion and still would at any job. I work every second that I'm not in the gym, my other raging passion, but that's for another post. But what is work? I mean this is all I want to do. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to go to the bar every night. I want to go to Florida and lay under a palm tree, and design. And next week, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I don't know you. I don't know your dreams or your circumstances. I don't know if the reason you aren't doing what you really want is valid. (Or maybe you ARE, in that case, awesome!! ) But you, inside, you know. ANYONE can get somewhere better. Realize it won't be perfect, it won't be easy and it might be stupid in other people's eyes at first. But who cares. This life is yours. Start planning. Do ONE LITTLE BITTY THING every single damn day. Fill out that application. Call that client, hang up that ad, get off your thrown built of excuses. You're not trying hard enough. I have by noooo means "made it". But I have never tried so hard for ANYTHING before.

A client put it well to me last week as we talked about our mutual passions, fitness and business. She said after a great lifting workout, you don't SEE anything, no change right then. But there are thousands of microscopic tears in your muscles. Eventually, those muscles rebuild. Again and again. And then you start to see the changes from your efforts. You start to see growth. That's why going to the gym once won't do a damn thing. But going every day even when you are sure its hopeless, and progress HAS to happen.

And it already is, for me. It will for you too. You will fail with 100% certainty if you change nothing in your life. But as long as you do one tiny thing daily, 100% failure is NOT a promise. Its always a chance, but there's a chance you will get somewhere, too. So I will keep making tiny tears in this each day and build it up. And it will hurt and it will be hard and I will worry and panic and cry and celebrate and suffer and fail and rejoice and I will live to the fullest of my ability. And of course the best part? You guessed it, if (no WHEN) this all works out, I will never have to wear real pants again.

Follow my journey, and of course hit me up for all your graphic design needs!! :)

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